Ever had one of those days? Maybe for you it’s “UGH!” “Give me a BREAK!” Or “You’ve Got to be KIDDING me!”.
For me it’s “ACK!” That being said…
During a recent conversation with a good friend an “a-HA!” moment hit me. I was going through a mix of personal/professional growing pains with my business. Originally I thought it was just a conversation to vent to someone I trusted. Half way through it became obvious why the conversation was helping:
He had gone through and successfully overcome the same obstacle. He had “been-there-and-done-that” so the ideas, advice and support were coming from real world experiences.
Not opinions.
Know what I realized?
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY IS IMPORTANT
The problem with most problems is that we feel alone. With entrepreneurs it’s the lone wolf syndrome. With family it seems nobody else knows the situation. With our careers it feels like other people just won’t understand because they aren’t doing the same job. Whatever it is someone just saying “You’re not alone” isn’t enough. There are two very different ways people can help instead of saying that – here they are:
SYMPATHY Is related to someone else’s pain or problems and understanding them WITHOUT having gone through the same thing yourself.
EMPATHY Is related to someone else’s pain or problems and understanding them BECAUSE you’ve gone through the same or very similar experience.
They’re both important and they are both needed at different times in our lives; everything from a “sounding board” in business to a “shoulder to cry on” in your personal life can help get you through the hard times. Someone listening to you helps you feel less alone.
But talking to someone who has gone through the same thing as you creates a different level of understanding, trust and bonding. It also creates solutions and helps problems go away more than someone just listening. They don’t have to say “It’s not just you” because you KNOW you’re not alone because someone else has gone through the same thing – and they’re telling you about it. They’re sharing real world, been-there-done-that solutions that you can use (as opposed to hypothetical fixes and random opinions which can end up making your problem worse).
SO…
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?
That being said how can you use this information to create action? The next time you’re facing a problem (maybe it’s right now) reach out to someone for help and advice – but rather than just venting try this:
- First, become specifically aware of your problem. Know exactly what it is. Maybe it’s growing pains with your business or career; maybe it’s a fight with a friend or relative.
- Then think about the people you know, like and trust. Ask yourself: “Who has gone through this already?”” OR “Who MIGHT have gone through this already?”
- Finally: Reach out to that person BUT instead of venting – let THEM do 80% of the talking. Let them know why you’re calling and lead with: “I’m calling because (___specific problem you’re having___) and you mentioned you went through the same thing” or if you THINK they might have had a similar experience go with “I’m calling because (___specific problem you’re having; has that ever happened to you?”
When you find that common ground ask them “What did YOU do to get through it? What helped you the most?” Then do something different….
Really, really listen with the intent of learning – not the intent of commenting – be in the moment and when something they did to create a solution resonates with you make a note of it. Then go do it.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Who can YOU reach out to today for a little bit of support and advice to sharpen your listening skills?
